welcome to israel part 398409849023902490429042902409

i haven't had one of those days in a while, one that makes people chuckle and say, "welcome to israel." at least, i think it's been a while but it's tough to tell since i've been in america for three weeks. anyway, today was what i call the day from hell. others call it life in jerusalem.

since my return to the holy land, i've been sick. really sick. fever, stuffy, sniffly, sneezy, throat-on-fire, earaches, pounding-head, body-ache, raspy-voice, coughaholic sick. i sound like a man. and a nyquill commercial. cool. also, important background info: i've been super jet-lagged. it was my fault after i got home at 2 am last week and just stayed awake til work.. then came home at 6 pm and slept til like, 11 am the next day, no joke. i've been nocturnal since i got here, really bad.

i was actually planning on sleeping last night. i set 5 alarms (wakeup issues accompany jetlag and flulike symptoms like whoa).... 3 on one cell phone, 1 on another, 1 on my ipod, and then i remembered my dad had offered me this old-school windup alarm clock that he promised would wake me up, and he packed it in my suitcase. so around 1am, i reset the clock, set the alarm and plugged it in. two minutes later it smelled a little funny. before i could figure out what it was, there was some ticking and then a HUGE POP, i jumped out of my skin and i yelped as ALL the power went out in my apartment. how i didn't wake up my roommate and his gf, i will never know. i stumbled to the kitchen where we keep the matches, totally burned my finger while holding up the match looking for a candle, went to the fuse box and turned all the power back on. whew. then i called my dad to apologize for killing his vintage alarm clock, and he was kind of sad but then decided to start talking about my future and destiny in life. sorry dad, my heart was racing, the room reaked of burned electricity and that conversation just wasnt gonna happen.

there was no way i was going to sleep after my near-heart attack. finally around 4am today, i'm like, alright, i have an appointment at 9 am (the final appointment in a series that started in FEBRUARY), and then a doctor's appointment at 10:45. if i nap now, i'll feel like death when i wake up, if i even wake up (i always feel sickest after waking up)... so i decided to just stay awake. my brain wasn't really functioning so i was not exactly productive for the next four hours... but i left around 8:15 am cause i needed to pick up a paper at my office for the appointment. i got to the office and discovered the appointment wasn't until 9:30. woooooo there was gonna be time to eat something. it had been a while since i'd done that. so i walked the mile back downtown, sneezing and sweating and chills and wanting to die, 75 degrees my ass weather.com.

i rrrreally wanted the waffle place to be open. but it wasn't.
so i turned around and went to this new place i saw on the way. it was closed.
i walked back toward the waffle place and saw an open door to this cafe i've always wanted to try. i'm the only one in the place and the three israeli men working bring me an english menu and start chatting me up, and i'm like please get me out of here. so i ask for a croissant to go (the only item on the menu that wouldn't have to be prepared). BUT, they're out of croissants.
so i leave. it's already 9 by this point, so i head toward the ministry of the interior, misrad hap'nim, a little place i like to call hell. i was so excited to see this AMAZING place across the street was open, and i grabbed the most delicious pastry i think i've ever eaten in my life. i'll spare the details on the yumminess because i've realized that the people on the food network sound really really stupid when commenting on food. plus i haven't even gotten to the day-from-hell part.

i go in through the security and immediately feel like i need to take a shower. i hate this place. think DMV, but israeli style. i hear like seven different languages, smell twelve different strains of body odor, see people of all shapes, sizes and colors, and finally get to the staircase. WHOA really dizzy. some water would be good. tooo bad, i dont have any. (i know, me without a bottle of water is seriously rare, so you know i'm sick). i'm actually early (again, highly unlikely for healthy michelle), so i try to find a place to stand against the wall because all the seats were filled. the asian woman behind me decided it'd be fun to like, get on top of me. why did i wear a tank top, feeling another person's sweat is absolutely disgusting. i try to move but i'm trapped between the wall, sweaty asian woman and hair, curly, curly hair of the woman in front of me. what to do. curly's name is called and she walks away. thank g-d. ok my turn. ati, the woman who i've seen five times now looks at me like she's never seen me before. i say hi, how are you, happy new year, and she says, how can i help you. i'm like uhh i was supposed to bring you my birth certificate so i can get my work permit.
what? what is your passport?
uh, my passport.. is my passport? here?
typing typing typing.... flipping through papers.... tapping 3-foot long nails with rhinestones on them against the desk....
ehhhh it looks like we did not get answer from jewish agency. the police answer, everything ok. but rega.
AH rega, israel's favorite word. (it means wait)
Ati begins to look through every. single. piece. of. paper. on. her. desk. (her desk kinda looks like world war iii, not that i should be talking...). she is pulling out files of all these other people. what does she think, this thing she's looking for for me is gonna be stuck in someone else's folder? cool.
ehhh yes. no answer. ehhhh, if you want, i can send it again and when they get back to me i call you.
do you know when that will be?
no. maybe the day after tomorrow? maybe next week or the week after?
well, i'd really like to be able to get my work permit as soon as possible (seeing as though my job is almost over.)
ehhhh rega. ok if you like, i give you the paper and you take to jewish agency yourself. you bring it back before 12, and i give you your permit today.
great!! that would be great. but i have a doctor's appointment and am not sure i'll be back before 12.
so you bring it tomorrow or the day after and i give you.
oooook. so where do i go?


if you're still reading this i commend you. if not, i sympathize, cause i can't write anymore. to be continued.